Changes

Wow. There are just not enough words to describe how being pregnant has changed my life. I worry more. How is this affecting the baby? Is this okay to do? Why hasn't he moved yet today?

I bought a slew (okay, a small slew) of maternity clothes this weekend. I bought a medium! in maternity pants, which is more exciting than it should be. I had bought three pairs of maternity pants a few weeks back, but it looked like I was a rapper with the sag I had going on. So, I went back and tried the mediums and actually look like an adult again. I guess since I'm still operating on an overall weight loss my legs/butt area is smaller than before. Much smaller apparently, because the belly/boob area just gets bigger and bigger. I feel oddly larger and smaller at the same time.

This weekend was also the start of packing up things in the apartment. My mother in law helped too, which was nice. Really nice actually because I woke up Sunday barely able to move I was so sore. I didn't move anything heavy, but it was just a lot of walking and cleaning and bending over to put things in boxes. I had no idea it would make me so sore. Good thing I started this process three weeks in advance of the move.

My husband came home yesterday. I'm not going to elaborate on that yet. We'll see how it goes. My goal is to not get myself worked up about anything, because really emotionally I've had enough.

Stream of Consciousness

This morning I read this blog post.

With all that has been going on in the past month or so I've become pretty introspective about things. There has just been so much to think about, analyze, and try and figure out. While the topic of that post isn't something that I thought about in particular I did really relate to what he's saying.

Not just recently, but forever, I have been concerned about what people would think. Not in the shallow way that comes to mind, but it's been there all the same. In college I would know the answer to a question, or have a comment on the discussion, but so many times I would keep my mouth shut. What if I said the wrong thing? What if someone thought it was dumb? I don't even know why I cared. When I did speak up I can not even tell you how nervous it made me. I know that I am smart and that I have valid things to say, why didn't I have the confidence to just speak my mind?

If I could prepare a speech or presentation I did great, really. It was a breeze. But impromptu speaking, horrible. It's not crazy to see why. With prepared stuff I had time to go over every point, every word and make sure that it sounded "okay". With speaking up in class, on the spot, I didn't have time to do that.

When we went out dancing I would dance with my friends, but I always felt awkward. Was I moving right? Was someone watching me thinking I looked silly? I don't know why I did this either.

I sing. A lot. I love to sing in the car or when I'm home alone. I'm terrible at singing, but it's fun. But I can't even sing and be silly in front of anyone (except my college roommate). I could be with 20 people who all sing horrible and being silly and I would still feel embarrassed to sing along too because I would be afraid of what someone would think of me.

Isn't it strange? I grew up in a house where if we did something wrong we got yelled at. Not just scolded, but yelled at. If we were too loud or too hyper we were yelled at. My husband's family is loud and funny and silly. My family isn't horrible, we weren't abused as kids, but it's different. My dad is loud, but just him. My mom is quieter. And she has spent the past thirty years of her life trying to keep my dad happy.

I love my husband's family. Over the Easter weekend I was with his whole extended family and I always feel warm and comfortable with them. I'm aware that I may not come off this way though. Because so often my personality is to just sit back, be quiet, and take it all in. How much of this is because that's just who I am? How much of it is from being told to sit back and be quiet growing up?

I think everyone has issues about self-consciousness. Some people cover it up by being boisterous. I cover it up by being quiet. I hate that I feel so reserved so much of the time. Not all the time, but a lot of the time. There have been so many times that I had so much to say to someone and I can't spit the words out because they might sound cheesy or silly. How many of those times would the person have appreciated what I had to say if I had just spoken the words?

Why don't I ever show my full emotions? I have never opened a gift and had that huge excited reaction. I feel it, inside, but outside I stay pretty calm. I'll smile, but the reaction isn't the full emotion. When I'm sad I keep it inside. I will hold in tears all day long until I am finally alone and then I will cry. Really cry, in a way that I have never cried in front of another person. Wouldn't life be easier if I wasn't so afraid of being vulnerable? It's not that I don't ever show any emotion, but it's always only a little bit, maybe I'll show you 50% of how I feel. The rest of it? Well, I deal with it on my own.

And you know, I was told I was special growing up. I was smart, right from the start and my family realized it. It was easy for me to excel in my small high school. I am the first person in my family to graduate from college and to my family that is a huge deal. But, you know, now I struggle with trying to figure out who I am. Because for so long I was a person who was great at certain things. Now I'm an accountant. I'm competent and can do the job, but I'm no longer the person who stands out. I'm a daughter, but so much of the time I feel guilt because I don't spend enough time with my parents and because I find it so hard to relate to them. I feel like the rest of my family is from a different world a lot of the time. I'm a wife, but I don't feel like I'm great at that either. I know that I don't say enough of what I need to say. I am supportive, but why don't I always say that I am? I love him, but why can't I say all the other words to describe it besides "I love you"? We started dating four years ago and have been married for one and there are still things about myself I don't show and words I don't say. I don't know why not, because honestly I know that if I could just let go more often he would have even more to love about me.

I just want to be me and I don't really think that would be so bad. But we're all like this aren't we? Afraid of what might happen if we decide to just be completely ourselves. Because putting on a show is sometimes easier. If I don't ever tell you the words I'm thinking, you won't ever have the opportunity to put them down. If I don't ever let go and just be completely silly, you won't ever have the chance to think about how stupid something seems. But, then there's that other problem. How am I supposed to just be myself, all the time, if I'm not even sure who that is? Because if asked to describe myself I'd tell you I'm 24, blonde with blue eyes, about 5'7. Then I'd tell you my job and probably where I live. That I'm married and having a baby. But that's not really who I am, is it? Those are just the little details. In the story of my life, that's what you'd learn in chapter one.

On The Radio This Morning

Okay, I love my dog. I really do. I think she's great. And you know, most people are like this. They think their dog is the smartest/cutest/best dog ever, you will never find a dog as good as their dog. (Or cat, I guess. . . in case any of you are cat people. Just stick with me here.)

I mean, my dog could be house trained better. And, yeah, we have to have a lid that snaps onto the trash can instead of swings because she will get into the trash if she thinks no one will notice. One night recently she woke me up by spilling her bag of dog food all over the floor (at 2 am!) and I had to get up and clean it up before she ate it all.

But, she's cuddly and warm and always ready to be friendly. Even at 8 years old she still likes to play ball. She bounds across the bed like a bunny when she is really excited. At night she sleeps right next to me, acting as a built in heater. See? I love my dog.

But, this is a little overboard if you ask me. A couple is so enamored with their dogs that apparently once the little guys die, the owners have their fur woven into sweaters. What on Earth makes people think this is an appropriate thing to do?

It's A. . .

BOY!

Nothing To Tie This Together At All, 2nd Edition

Making this list of 101 things in 1001 days is not easy. I am about 3/4 done, but this last stretch of coming up with stuff has been so difficult. You would think it would be easier than this!

(sorry, I have no nice transistion to go here)

My dog is staying with my parents until we move to the house (yay! for a backyard) and it is so weird. Several times I have almost started calling for her or thought "I need to feed the dog" only to remember, "Oh yeah, she's not here."

I only have 23 more actual work days at this job. Two of which are half days because of doctor visits. It seems so strange. Also, another person in my group is also leaving so everyone is totally up in the air. I am supposed to be training SOMEONE to take over my stuff, but no one really has any idea who I should be training. 23 days people. . .

As an update on the Blockbuster Debacle of 2008-no one from their customer service did a thing. I was supposed to get a call from the "field team" about the horrible lady, but no such luck. Then with all the stress of last week I kind of let it go, even though I am still totally appalled by the service.

Wind Changing

Made some deletions today. For several reasons. I think a blog is a great place to keep track of memories and things. But, for some posts I think the benefit is just getting out thoughts. Keeping those certain posts in here would have been so negative to look back on. The purpose was served--I got those thoughts out and worked through some emotions.

I think things are getting better. We have a plan and that's a start anyway. So, in the spirit of positive thinking, this blog is going to move on. Which I am sure everyone will be happy about. Nobody likes a sad sack all the time, now do they?

The best place to begin with a more positive outlook is to recognize that there are some things to be happy about.

1. One more week until our big ultrasound. I tried to get my husband to make a wager on boy/girl with me. He thinks girl and I think boy. The only wager he came up with though was whoever loses changes the first dirty diaper when we get home. Why not? I mean, it's pretty much a 50-50 shot of who will change that diaper anyway.

2. Chili's has a White Chocolate Molten cake now. Oh my gosh, it is just heaven on Earth.

3. Zoot made a list of 101 things in 1001 days. This sounds really fun. I want to do this. Maybe this afternoon I will get to work on starting my list.

4. We might still be able to get our house. As renters, but still--I love the house. We are working out the kinks today, but basically it would be a lease with an option to buy at the end of a year. With all the stress of the past few weeks I think this could be a much better option for us right now.

5. In all the craziness the past two Saturdays have actually been really good days for me. And the weather has been absolutely beautiful on those days. I mean, just amazing. So pretty outside.

6. I got a new purse from Target. It is reverable, I am carrying it the opposite of what is shown in the link. I prefer the other side, which is all yellow. I love springtime colors.

That's a good start for now. Here's hoping we all have a happy day today! I really feel good and much more positive than I have for the past few months. Which I think in the end will be good for me, good for our marriage, and certainly good for the baby.

The Couple That Gets Kicked Out of Blockbuster Together

So, the weekend was very smooth and things are really working out okay.

BUT. Sunday evening we went to Blockbuster. We rented one dvd and two video games. Both games were defective. They froze up the Playstation, so we returned them. Two hours had passed since we had rented them. The store refused to give us our money back. Instead they credited our account.

We then went to the Blockbuster across town to see if they had the games we wanted. They did, but when we got to the register they did not see a credit on our account. The guy said the other store did something wrong. So, back across town to Blockbuster #1.

The manager at this store, Ammiee (spelled just like that!) was who "helped" us out. I said we just wanted our cash back at this point. But, she said that is not their "policy". So I said I wanted to use my $10 credit on a $10 gift card. That was not possible. "What can I spend it on?" I said. "Anything in the store." was her reply. I explain to her that the giftcard IS in the store, but she still says that won't work, because you giftcards are something you have to purchase. WHAT? I picked up candy and said "can I use it on this?" She says yes. I say "Well, isn't this something I would have to PURCHASE as well.?" Again she says yes. At this point I realize this lady is about as smart as a ton of bricks. I mean, if you can't use a credit on a gift card fine, but she could have explained in some sort of way that used logic.

She keeps going on about "policy" and how she cannot refund our money. And, oh, Blockbuster's system is not set up to show a credit on the account from store to store. I mentioned that if I owed blockbuster $10 that sure as hell would show up at every store, because it benefits them. Her reply to this "that wouldn't benefit me." Um. . . yes, yes it would benefit Blockbuster.

So then I ask to see this policy. If she had just shown me where it says that Blockbuster is not ALLOWED to refund someone's money I would have dropped it. She informs me that it is on the back of the receipt. I read the whole back of the receipt and it says NOTHING about returns, refunds, credits, nothing. I inform her, the MANAGER, of this. She reads it herself, obviously realizes she is wrong and says "fine, I'll show you the ENTIRE policy." She leads me and my husband to the back of the store where there is a poster with the terms and conditions on the wall.

I asked her to show me where on there it said that and NO KIDDING she says to me "no, I want you to read the whole thing." Because now she is my third grade teacher. So we BOTH read the whole thing and this it says "Refunds made to purchases made with credit card will be credited back to the credit card. Refunds made to purchases made with cash will be credited back with cash. Refunds made with check will be credited back to the checking account. Please allow 7 days for refunds to checks to appear." And that's all it mentioned about refunds.

I took the poster off the wall, carried up to the front and told her her "policy" was not listed on there. I said "I read the whole thing. Maybe you should." She informs me that she is aware of what is says. So I ask AGAIN for her to point out where it says she cannot just refund my cash. She starts to read it, then rolls it up and starts to say something and I said to show me. She told me to lower my voice or I would have to leave the store. She has her finger pointed to the door.

So, then I have had it. I say "why don't you take that finger and point out on your poster what policy you are talking about." She says "What?" And my husband said "that finger that you've been waving around in wife's face--use it to show her the policy."

At that point she told us to leave or she was calling the police. Um. . . so apparently Blockbuster's actual policy is that they say whatever the hell they want and when they can't prove it to the customer they threaten to call the cops.

Can you believe this? I have never been thrown out of anywhere in my life. Believe me. I am not a rule breaker.

Needless to say I am calling Blockbuster's customer service today. Somebody better be able to prove to me that my money can't be refunded. Because what kind of service is that? "Well, if we rent you a defective product you can pick out another one, but you cannot just get your money back." It had been two hours. . . who can play two video games in two hours?? We were not trying to screw Blockbuster out of money or anything.